


Just keep breathin

by bangchrispy



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Body Worship, Crying, Dysphoria, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pillow Talk, Self Harm, Strap-Ons, Trans Male Character, Transitioning, breakdowns, chan is a pre op transguy with some bad dysphoria, female to male, i need this, lots more kinks and tags to come, mentions of self harm, they have sex, they’re whipped for eachother, top surgery, woochan - Freeform, woojin is there to help pull him back to earth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2019-09-26 02:43:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17133557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangchrispy/pseuds/bangchrispy
Summary: Chan notices the smaller things over time and eventually he breaks downOrChan has a mental breakdown during winter break and the only one there to comfort him is his boyfriend woojin





	1. Chapter 1

20 long years and he still didn’t know how to manage it.  
Some days it was easier, he would go months sometimes almost years without a single ounce of dysphoria. He was surrounded by the people he loved the most, his pronouns were respected and he was loved and supported by the ones he truly cared about the most. It was a euphoric feeling of never really having to worry about passing, or never having to worry about whether or not his chest was showing too much. He didn’t even have to bind at times because he just felt so comfortable. And it was the people around him that made chris feel comfortable with himself. That type of love n support gave him the confidence and self love needed to not have to validate himself to anyone.  
He was chris, the korean boy from Australia. The leader of this amazing dance team and the soon to be chairman of a big company that his father owned. 

But by November, it all came crashing down. His work load started to pile up, his insomnia came back hard and he found himself slowly but surely breaking that mental barrier he had between him and his Dysphoria. The blonde was tired. He was tired of not wanting to sleep in fear of waking up in cold sweat from the same reaccuring nightmare. He was tired of working out constantly even when he didn’t have the time, so that he could continue to look masculine. He was tired of having his stomach and thighs get sore and bruised from the bi-weekly shots of testosterone that ultimately affected his immune system so he got sick easier. He was tired of looking in the mirror everyday and every day pointing out new flaws to his body that looked too feminine. 

Chan sat there in the apartment staring down at his work, thoughts blazing through his mind at a million miles an hour. He hears his phone buzz and looks to see the text from woojin

Soulmate: I’ll be a little late babe. I’m just grabbing some food for us since its chicken night tonight!! I grabbed your favorite! I’ll see you in an hour baby 

Chan’s head cleared out a little as he smiled at the text and opened it to respond with a simple ‘okay, love you babe! Cant wait!’ 

Time passed, and soon 12 am became 1 am. Chris found himself on the floor shaking and trembling as if experiencing sub zero temperatures. His hands clenched his chest, his nails digging into the skin so deep, a warm liquid filled the gaps between his nails and his fingertips. The Australian began sob, his whole body heaving to a point where he felt something in his chest pop. He let out blood curdling screams into the darkness, not even the moonbeams to shine through the window. He laid his back to the floor, his hands digging deeper into his flesh as he begins to claw at the existing breasts on his chest. He rips skin, and blood manages to form in small droplets like water drops on a spider web. He soon removes his hands and slams them on the ground on either side of him, tears streaming like waterfalls down his face with no sign of stopping.

The pain was so unbearable he felt like he was dying. His body convulsed and twisted into inhuman positions, parts of his back cracking. The silence was killing him. Hearing his own screams and cries bouncing off the walls, as if to echo is constant torture of living in this body. This empty cage. It made it worse. 

“WHY WASNT I BORN A FUCKING BOY!!!!????” He screamed out. He sat up, before his emotions switched from sad to murderous, running full speed and punching the mirror in his room, shattering it fully but leaving his hand in carnage. Ripped up and torn, his hand had shards and pieces of mirror glass stuck in it but his rage didn’t end there. 

Woojin checked down at his phone as he had gotten a surge of texts from his neighbors all complaining about one thing. A possible murder going on. Woojin felt his heart shatter as he read that text and ran into the building of the apartment. He panicked and tried his hardest to get his keys but to no avail. Once he found them, he unlocked the door and ran to his n chan’s room where he didn’t need to open the door to understand what happened.

He calmed down despite his heart racing, walking towards the door with a big hole in it. He opened the door and swung it open, turning the light on to see the room in utter disarray. There was shattered glass everywhere, blood stained on almost anything the blonde had touched and a hole or two in the walls and chan? Covered in his own blood, sobbing his eyes out in the corner of his bed, looking as if he had encountered the devil himself and coward in fear at the first sign of light.

“Chris what happened in her-“ all thiughts were stopped when he looked down at the opened flannel, the male’s chest bleeding and scratched up. Suddenly woojin put two and two together, finally understanding what happened. He approached the sobbing male with care and reached for his hand to hold. 

The Australian snapped out of his unstable trance to look at his lover, and like an ape extending its hand, slowly enteded his rather bruised hand towards him before scooting closer to him and being swooped into his arms bridal style. Woojin brought his boyfriend to the bathroom, drawing up a hot bath and moving to get the medical equipment. They always kept a med kit equipped for a situation like this. Since hyunjin was training to become a surgical doctor, he kept a lot of the tools steril and always prepped for possible removal situations like this. And woojin right now is making a mental note to thank hyunjin for worrying too much about the stupidity of the boys. 

Once woojin cane back he spotted chan finally in the bath however still wearing the flannel. He sighed knowing that there was no removing it and sat beside the tub wall, a piece of gause, some rubbing alcohol and tweezers ready. 

“May i have your hand please?” The silver haired male spoke. Chan nodded and let the music student take the glass out of his hand. Chan couldn’t feel anything. The meltdown had caused all his emotions and physical feelings to go numb so nothing had hurt much. Once done, woojin threw away the bloody glass and moved the med set onto the bathroom counter. He leans in to grab the cup, taking some water from the running faucet and leaning chan back into the water a little to clean the blood off his exposed chest. He refused to touch the soft tissue as he began to disinfect the wounds. He knew it would cause his poor boyfriend a great deal of discomfort and he knew it was not a good time to do it either. “Hey baby. Im gonna have to touch your chest to clean off the open cuts. May i have your permission to touch there? It’ll be just a few seconds.” Chan simply nods and closes his eyes, not wanting to see what woojin was about to do.

He sighed in relief as he doused the gause in rubbing alcohol and cleaned the wounds on chan’s chest and being done within a few seconds. Once he was done with cleaning and disinfecting chan’s wounds, the silver male got up, running to the room to gather one of his own hoodies, chris’ favorite binder, and some basketbal shorts. Heset the clothes on the counter before moving to graba broom and clean up the debris left in the wake of chan’s rage. By the time he’s down he sees chan still in the bathroom, fully dressed and sitting on the toilet seat, staring down at the floor. Woojin could feel his heart break at how much pain his boyfriend was in. It was horrible and sometimes he prays for chan to be okay and to be born with a male body so his suffering could end. But he’s done everything he could to support chan these past 8 years. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for the man he loved and chan knew this.

Woojin picked chan up bridal style once again and moved him to the couch, quickly moving to grab chan’s favorite stuffed joey and a blanket to wrap him in. Once he sat down under the blankef, he pulls into a hug, turning the tv on for him and switching it to a studio ghibli film. Woojin could feel butterflies in his stomach at the way chan’s puffy lips turned into a rather broken smile, the movie obviously bringing back fond memories for the younger. He felt he could relax now that chan was safe in his arms. And as long as he was safe, thats all he could ever need. 

“You know chan, no matter what you were born as, no matter what. I’ll always be here for you. To me, you’re still the man i fell in love with. Just because you were born different from me doesn’t make you any less of a man and im proud of you. Im so proud of you for making it as far as you did baby. I was blessed with such an amazing man and human being. I couldn’t be more lucky.” Woojin says softly in his lover’s ear, causing the other to pull his face down for a quick yet loving kiss. 

Chan feels a sense of calm as woojin begins to song hos favorite song and he felt the waves of sleep hitting him. There was no was he wasn’t tired after what happened. He stayed silent as he laid into woojin’s lap, falling asleep to the rhythm of his pets and the warmth the other gave him.


	2. good enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> parents say they'll love you no matter what, but is that really true?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG trigger warning for this chapter.  
> mention of cutting, Emotional/Mental Abuse/ Transphobia/suicide etc.
> 
> Listen to good enough from the empire cast to get a similar feel of how i felt atm.
> 
> Yeah this is my own coming out experience and i promise it's not like this for everyone. Everyone's is different, just as everyone's parents are different. However if you are struggling with depression or if you're struggling with abuse, coming out, or anything call the numbers below because no one should ever have to go through things alone. Believe me, it feels impossible to get through things like this. But just because you're going through something doesn't mean it isn't valid or that you're alone. 
> 
> Trevor project- 1-866-488-7386  
> Trevor project text hotline-Text “START” to 678678  
> national suicide prevention hotline-1-800-273-8255

December 18th, 2014. 

 

"Hey mom... can i talk to you about something?" says a small christopher as he comes out of the shadows of an unlit hallway, walking into the light of the living room. He felt like throwing up. His entire body was shaking as he heard his mother's "Sure thing christine what is it?" booming through his ears. He took a deep breath and stood where he was, not wanting to take a step closer. 

"I...well i just.. Lately I haven't been feeling right. I just something hasn't been connecting with me and every time i look in the mirror is just feel so terrible about myself and i don't know what to do. It's taken me awhile to come to terms with myself, about who i am... about how i feel about myself and mama..." He lets out a shaky breath as he looks at her, trying his best not to cry as he tries to analyze her reaction to everything so far. "I'm transgender." 

The tension was sickening. With each passing second of silence chris grew more and more scared of his mother's reaction. He knew she supported the lgbt community so it shouldn't be too bad right? He snapped back to reality as he heard mother sigh deeply and shut her laptop. 

"Christina baby you aren't trans. I've known you and have seen you grown your entire life. You are not transgender and never will be transgender. You know how i know you're not transgender? Because i have many transgender friends and they all showed signs when they were little, you didn't. So you cannot be trans." 

Chris felt all the strength in him drain as he heard this. he felt the tears form in his eyes as he tried hard not to cry in front of her. "B-but-" he began.

"Christina you are not trans and that is final. If you're doing this as a sick trick to get back at me or if your doing this because you're trying to make up for the fact that you haven't had a father figure in your life then so be it but you are not trans. This is just a phase. You're only saying that because it's the new trend now days." She says, her voice becoming defensive as she stands up. "Listen to me, LISTEN." She yelled. "You cannot be transgender. Do you KNOW how that might affect the family? First your depression bullshit and wanting to die and cutting yourself and now you're transgender? Is there no end to this? You're making this family look bad enough already with your horrendous grades. What did you think i was going to let you transition like that? Hm? To late you get surgeries and get you hormones? That's fucking child abuse i'm never going to pay for your shit. You are not my son you are my daughter and that is final. You're not even old enough to know who you are how the hell do you even know that you're trans? That's it im taking your fucking phone because obviously you've been on it too much and you've gotten these ideas implanted into your fucking head. And maybe taking your phone will fucking teach you how to do your fucking homework since you're practically failing all of your classes. You're gonna fucking flunk out of middle school and fail do you know that? Do you know that you're going to fail? Look at your brother and sister they graduated top of their class through middle and high school and you can't even fucking handle middle school how the fuck are you going to handle life huh? You can't just cry "Mental Illness!" at every turn in life and manipulate others into thinking that nothing is ever your fault. You know you're just like your father, manipulating people to go against me and lying to everyone to gain sympathy. You just lie and manipulate and you don't work hard and all you do is think about now and how you feel now, you're selfish. I know exactly what you tell the counselors because she fucking tells me everything. You're really painting me as the bad guy after everything i've done for you? After everything i've sacrificed the hardships i've face while being with your father to get you to where you are and you're just fucking taking it for granted. You don't appreciate anything i fucking do for you, do you? Give me your fucking phone you're only getting it back at school and i don't want another word about you being depressed or transgender out of your mouth to people in public got it?" 

Chris couldn't say another word before handing his mother his phone and storming off to his room. Not even halfway down the stairs to his room, the flood gates crumbles and gave way to the monsoon of tears streaming down his face. His entire was trembling as he finally made it to his room and slammed the door. He slid down the cold wood as he stared into the darkness of his room. There was no light, not even from outside the windows. His room was chilled to the bone and only aided in the pain in his chest. He couldn't quiet the sobs, knowing that his parents room were right above him. He looked at the bottle of pills on his desk and took a hold of them, stumbling almost blindly into the bathroom and shutting the door. He couldn't stop his loud sobs despite every desperate attempt. He moved to turn the shower on to help quiet the noise down and soon looked at the pill bottle in his hand. He opened the cap to the 200 mlg bottle of ibuprofen and let out one final sob.

"i just want this pain to be gone. I just want it to be over. Why doesn't she love me? Why am i not good enough? Since i'm such a burden to her.. maybe it would be better if i just... disappeared." He says. 

two tablets, four, six, eight, ten... twelve. 

Quiet sobs fill the bathroom as chris moves to shut the shower off and moves back to his bedroom. He starts to feel sick to his stomach, like he's about to throw up. He gets under the covers and hugs his stuffed kangaroo close as his vision begins to blur. He felt so tired from all the crying, maybe it was about time he went to sleep.

He lets out one last yawn before succumbing to the coldness that managed to shroud him.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so that was the end!  
> I might make this multi chaptered or part of a trans skz series!!
> 
> Also the things that happened in this fic were all my own experiences and the things I’ve gone throughas a trans person so its okay if you don’t personally identify with it!!
> 
> Its meant to kind of vent out especially since these past few months have been real bad for me.
> 
> But thank you all so much for the support and i hope you read my other stories i have up as well!!


End file.
